An Ode to Justin Baldoni: Man Enough
Some disclaimers:
1) This
whole post is going to come across as very very “fangirly”, but I am not trying
to put Justin on a pedestal – the whole book and his whole message is about
accepting that he is not perfect, that he is human, he makes mistakes, and he
will continue to. So, I just want to be clear from the start that I’m aware of
that even if I think he’s doing a better job than most humans, that doesn’t
mean he’s flawless.
2) In this post, I use the term “toxic
masculinity”, although Justin doesn’t. I use it to distinguish between the positive
and negative traits associated with masculinity, mainly because it’s the
terminology I’m used to in my own academic research. However, I accept the
limitations and subjectivity of the term, and even I don’t think it’s
particularly helpful. I agree with Justin that the term “toxic masculinity” can
be demonising and alienating to men, but I think it also helps hammer home that
men are just as if not more so affected by the negative associations of
masculinity and that it is toxic to everyone not just women. Thus, Justin is
right that that these discussions should be about REDEFINING masculinity
altogether, not labelling it as inherently good or bad. So, while I use it, I
use it cautiously and for want of a more eloquent way to express the nuances of
my argument, rather than brazenly and thoughtlessly, and I hope that my use of
the term won’t offend or distract from the thoughts around it.
3) The last thing I want to do is over-praise a man for saying what women
have been saying since the dawn of time (in the same way that men are praised
for doing the bare minimum in relationships, in parenting and in society). But
the sad truth is that it IS rare to hear men discuss these issues, to call out
(or call in, as Justin puts it) other men, and to hold up their hands to say “I’m
not doing enough, or I haven’t always done enough, but I am enough and I’m
trying and learning and listening and that’s enough.”
4)
Some trigger warnings may be needed for this post including:
Rape/Sexual Assault, suicide, addiction, eating disorders, depression.
Man Enough: The Podcast
I first discovered Justin Baldoni as a brilliant
(and very attractive, sorry) actor on arguably my favourite TV show, Jane
The Virgin (in itself a brilliant, important, and empowering show). The
show led me to his social media where he earned even more respect from me for
his open conversations around his family, his relationships, his faith, and the
world in general. (And the way he talks to and about his life and kids
literally melts my heart).
In turn, his social media led to me his podcast
(also called Man Enough), where alongside two other amazing and inspiring
co-hosts he interviews prominent men from across the world about what it means
to be “man enough”. I cannot stress enough how much I applaud Justin, Jamey and
Liz for opening up these conversations, for not shying away from difficult
questions, and for being vulnerable and for allowing other men to be
vulnerable. To create a space where men can admit to being abusers, and sexist,
and racist, and criminals, and survivors, and addicts, and damaged, and human. As
hosts, they don’t ever let their guests (or each other) make excuses for their
behaviour, everyone openly admits “yeah I screwed up”, and yet the episodes are
never about judgement, or blame. They ask WHY did they act that way, what do
they regret about it, how have they learnt from it, what can they do to be
better, what ARE they doing to be better. It’s truly inspiring and empowering.
I’d like to recommend some specific episodes but
to be honest every single one is as important and valuable as the next. There
is not a single episode that I haven’t cried while listening to - for many
reasons, but most of all because I have NEVER in my life heard men be so open
about their failings, their experiences, their trauma, their struggles, and
their hopes. It’s crazy because many of the topics are just everyday issues, but
that really highlights how men are prevented from openly discussing things
which affect everyone, but which women can discuss much more freely without
judgement.
From history (and today’s news), and sometimes
just walking the street as a woman in a man’s world, it is easy to dismiss all
men as dangerous, ignorant, and beyond help, and while I’m not at all saying
#NotAllMen because ew, these discussions really encourage us to look at the
bigger picture and ask how we can create a society where men are not bred to be
violent, misogynistic, and toxic, but to be everything and anything they want.
I honestly cannot recommend the podcast enough. Man, woman, or non-binary - you
will be inspired, you will get angry, you will get sad, but most importantly
you will learn.
Another great thing about the podcast is that it
inspired me to finally pick up Justin’s book, Man Enough, which is what I
really want to talk about today.
I pre-ordered this book as soon as I heard about
it because of my aforementioned love of Justin, but then I really hesitated to
pick it up and start reading: I thought that as a cis-woman it was not for me.
But then I thought (encouraged by the podcast) about how my own life has been
shaped by masculinity and by the men around me, for better and for worse, and
how different my own life may have been if the men in my life had had access to
these safe spaces, been encouraged and brave enough to open themselves up to
these difficult conversations, to listen to me and learn from me and other
women, or from other men who had made the same mistakes but have grown from
them. “Masculinity”, like all gender norms, affects EVERYONE and thus this book
is for everyone. Having read it, I’m even more convinced of this, and I’m adding
it to my “books everyone should read at school” list.
It is so powerful, it is so important, it is so
enlightening. And a lot of the points it makes about self-esteem, about
societal pressures, about being “enough” apply to all things including but not
exclusively gender. We all have times when we don’t feel “enough”. So this book
is for you.
The problem
In Scotland, where I live, men are killing
themselves at an alarming rate - not just through suicide but also through drug
and alcohol misuse. In the UK, male suicides have consistently accounted for
approximately three-quarters of all suicides since the mid-1990s.
While I’m not getting into the science of
depression or addiction, we have to look at societal reasons why men in particular
are suffering and why nothing is being done to help them. I don’t want the men
in my life, my country, my world to hurt themselves (or me, or anyone else)
because they hate themselves, because of what they think they should be. This
book might be written by a white American man, but it feels just as relevant to
my own context at the other side of the world. No one culture, religion, or race
is entirely to blame (although a lot of my academic research focuses on
colonial constructs of masculinity but that’s a whole other issue). The point
is, these are universal issues, and while cultural norms may vary, “toxic
masculinity” manifests itself in every society across the globe - and always
has.
I don’t want to just restate the arguments that
Justin makes – a) because that’s plagiarism and he deserves full credit and b)
because I want you to read the book for yourself. However, I have so many
thoughts that I HAVE to discuss the book with someone, so I am going to draw
out some of the most important discussions from the book so that you get a
flavour of what is addressed, and hopefully demonstrate how the book is
relevant to and beneficial for everyone, not just men.
Non-binary representation
One thing I
wanted to flag right from the start is an appreciation that Justin is very
inclusive of non-binary people. One of the problems I often find in talking
about these topics is that it feels exclusive to non-binary people who do not
identify as men or women and thus having these discussions about how “men” or
“women” are affected by “masculinity” and “femininity” feels automatically
exclusive to those who do not identify as or with either. Even though I am a
trained Equality and Diversity Officer whose academic research involves the
trans and non-binary community, I live in fear of unintentionally excluding
them from conversations that they should be a part of. That’s why I think Alok
Menon’s episode of the podcast was so interesting and important, because it
showed how non-binary people can be included in these conversations, and how
they are equally if not more so affected by traditional gender norms and toxic
masculinity.
Throughout
his book, Justin does his best to include non-binary people in the discussion -
a concept which in itself makes him stand out from a lot of men I’ve heard
discussing these topics (again, that shouldn’t be radical but alas it is). Even
on the podcast, every time he misgendered his guest, he apologised, corrected
himself, and moved on rather than panicking or getting defensive. It shows that
we won’t always get it right and that’s okay, as long as we are respectful and
try to learn.
Justin
makes a point in his book which I basically feel epitomises my attitude around
gender diversity (and many other identities): You don’t have to understand
something to respect it. You don’t have to understand the nuances of someone’s
gender identity to respect it and honour it, and that’s the most important
thing I wish everyone, not just men, knew. It doesn’t matter if we understand
it, if someone tells us how they feel and how they identify: the least we can
do is listen, accept it, and honour it, and hopefully overtime the
understanding will come. This was a very small part of Justin’s book but I just
wanted to draw attention to it because I think it’s so important.
Anti-misogyny
My
favourite thing overall about Justin’s book is that it seems to provide an
implicit model on how to be “Anti-misogynist”, in the same way that we should
all be “anti-racist”. The overall ethos of action and learning really struck
me. As has often been discussed, the idea of the “Good Guy” is such a
problematic fantasy: the idea that if you don’t rape someone (especially in the
traditional sense of a strange man grabbing a strange woman on the street and
pulling her into the bushes) and you know it’s not okay to beat your wife or
daughter then you cannot be sexist, that you are not a part of the problem, and
are a Good Guy. In the same way, many white people believe that if you don’t
use the n word and aren’t beating up people of colour then you can’t be racist.
Obviously,
those are the extremes of these dynamics, but what Justin does so well is
acknowledging that you can be a great guy, a guy genuinely showing up every day
and trying to be better for yourself, for your fellow men, and for women, and
still fuck up, still get it wrong, still contribute to and benefit from
misogyny, sexism, male privilege and toxic masculinity. He shows throughout the
book that it is not enough to love and respect women in your heart, if your
outward actions negatively affect them or enabling other men to cause the same
damage. You may not be making sexist jokes or cheating on your girlfriend, but
every time you witness another man doing so and stay silent you are a part of
the problem. Every time you excuse a man’s behaviour as “banter”, mistake an
attack on the patriarchy with a personal attack, or dismiss a woman’s
experiences because it doesn’t match your own experience as a man, then you are
contributing to the culture of oppression which women are fighting every single
day.
One way
that Justin learnt this is through being corrected by his wife – especially in
relation to his interrupting her and manspreading. That’s great, and I love his
wife for challenging his behaviour, but as Justin himself acknowledges, the
burden should not be on women to fix these problems. The burden is on men to
witness, correct, and challenge problematic behaviour amongst themselves and in
turn that will benefit women. Sadly, men will take it a lot more seriously if
they hear it coming from a male friend than “just another over-sensitive
woman”. If it doesn’t affect you and you still correct it, that’s what makes
you a Good Guy (even if it is just the bare minimum you can do). That’s why
books like these are so important, because they are written by men and for men
and don’t allow men to turn a blind eye to misogyny anymore.
The only
problem is, the men who most need these conversations are the ones that are
least likely to seek out these books and be open to these conversations. Hence
why I’m going to do my utmost to encourage the men in my own life to read it
and share it with their own friends (and family and colleagues and teammates
and everyone else in-between). However, what I appreciate about Justin is that
he not only acknowledges this challenge, but rises to it, by reaching out to
men who abuse him for doing this work and helping them to see that they are
suffering and that they need this more than they think. It again shows that men
have this idea that women’s issues are women’s issues when they negatively
impact men too. That’s what I found so powerful about this book – it doesn’t
just state a fact that men aren’t doing enough (because everyone knows that)
but it asks “why? Why don’t men feel like they can call out their friends for
their sexist comments?” and it’s only by answering these questions and helping
men find solutions to them that we can find a real culture or change.
Intersection between gender and race
One of my
favourite parts of the book was the section where Justin addresses the
intersectionality between gender and race. I wish it had been a bigger part
(maybe it can be a whole second book), but I’m so grateful that it was
acknowledged and that the conversation was opened.
Justin rightly
acknowledges that he is at the epicentre of privilege as a white, straight,
cis, able-bodied, middle-class man. This is something that I think a lot of
white men don’t understand, and is why many see “feminism” or “anti-racism” as
an “attack on white men” and begin screaming about financial deprivation etc in
white communities (which is obviously a problem too, but a separate one).
In my work
for an anti-racist education charity, we often talk about how stereotypes of
black men and black women are so different, and how black men face a whole
other set of complex notions of masculinity which are enforced upon them not
just from within their communities, but also from outside. Justin rightly
accepts that you cannot have a conversation about masculinity (or any gender
norms) without also discussing race. It’s something that comes across a lot of
the discussions on the podcast with Jamey Heath, who is very open about how his
experiences as a black man differ from those of Justin, a white man, and with
their guests of all different backgrounds who often discuss how their culture
and race influences their own experiences and opinions on what it means to be
“man enough”.
This
strikes a chord with me owing to my own academic research: My masters thesis
looked at how “toxic masculinity” contributes, or has historically contributed,
to interreligious conflict between Hindus and Muslims in South Asia, a topic
which I could talk about all day, but one which really kept coming back to me
as I read the book because it shows the universality of these issues. My PhD
thesis is looking at the trans community in India, particularly the hijra
community, and how their identities defy gender and religious binaries. Through
this research, I have learnt how the gender binary as we think of it today is a
colonialist invention – there are many examples of pre-colonial communities
(and religions) across all continents who accepted and celebrated a “third”
gender or accepted the absurdity of gender at all. For example, it’s why I love
Hinduism so much – the gods and the heroes of its epics defy gender norms and
heterosexuality and embrace the whole spectrum of gender and sexual diversity.
This makes my master’s thesis even more interesting, because there I explored
how this very open and fluid view of sex and gender has been transformed into
the rigid binary that is very familiar to us in the West. If you’re interested
in this topic, listen to Alok Menon’s episode of the podcast (or check out any
of their work because they’re amazing!!) and they can put it so much more
eloquently than I can.
But the
point is, even today, “masculinity” and “femininity” are also shaped by our
culture. For example, in many Arab countries – although homosexuality is often
illegal – it’s common for men to hold hands or kiss each other on the cheek in
public as a symbol of greeting or friendship. Yet in the West (or certainly in
Britain), that behaviour would be viewed as overtly “gay” - while it is
perfectly acceptable for women to greet with a kiss, men must greet with a
“manly” handshake or tap on the shoulder with their fists in between (which
Justin beautifully says is symbolic of closing off their hearts to one another,
which I’d never considered before). Even within the same country, what might be
acceptable for one man is not okay for another – white men are allowed to be
aggressive, protective, devoutly religious – but if a man of colour shows any
of those traits, they are a threat, a terrorist, a danger who must be
stopped.
All this to
say, gender norms, “masculinity” included, while having universal aspects is
even more unrealistic and damaging because there is no one model for it – every
country and community will have different ideas of what it means to be “man
enough” and we need to stop holding all men to some invisible and impossible
standard that doesn’t even exist in the first place.
Sexual abuse
One of the hardest parts of the book to read was the discussion around sexual assault. Specifically devasting was the stat that 1 in 5 boys is sexually abused. This really took me by surprise - not because I didn’t think sexual abuse happened against men, but because I thought it was the exception and not the norm.
For obvious reasons, so much of the discussion
around sexual assault (in child or adulthood) is based on the mode of male
perpetrator and female victim. And that when boys do experience it, it is
limited to priests and choirboys, or the odd football coach as has recently
been prominent in the UK media. However, this book really mudded the water of
that stereotype. I immediately thought that if one in five boys are affected
that means that it is likely that many men in my life were affected although
I’m not aware of a single one. That breaks my heart. That boys experience this,
of course, but that they feel even less able than women to speak out about it
(and it is hard enough and underreported enough in women).
I think one of the most important things to take
away from this is not only the importance of encouraging men to show emotions
instead of repressing trauma, but also (again) that men are just as negatively
affected by toxic masculinity and the patriarchy which teaches men that they
can do whatever they like to others’ bodies without repercussions – that
everyone except grown, white men are somehow less human (although of course
grown, white men are victims of SA too). Of course, rape culture primarily
targets women (as Justin himself discusses), but it affects society as a whole
and ultimately everyone suffers from it. This is a fact, and it is one that I
hope discussions like the one started by Justin and his peers can bring into
the open so that the boys already affected can have justice, and future
generations will be protected from enduring this trauma in the first place.
Body Image
The book
deals a lot with body image and how it is linked to self-confidence, a lot of
which I related to just as much as a woman. While the impact of pressure on
women to look a certain way is well documented, Justin reminds us that men are
also pressured to look a certain way – more so now than ever in an age of
social media, cosmetic surgery, and “gym bro/dad bod” culture. Men are
increasingly experiencing eating disorders and body dysmorphia, and seeking out
cosmetic surgery to achieve the body that they think they should have.
While I do
think there are specific pressures which apply primarily to women – around aging
for example, Justin shows that the same can be said for men. For example, the
book discusses how certain areas of a man’s body – for example his shoulders,
chest, and penis size are equated with “manliness” or being “man enough”. Boys
are often bullied because of being overweight, or “scrawny”, for having too
much hair or too little hair, or as Justin described being not muscley enough
and too muscley. Men, like women it seems, cannot win either way. I’m sure we
can think of many other areas where men are scrutinised for their physicality –
going bald too early, being too short, being too curvy…the list is endless.
One really
important message that Justin highlights though is that body image relates not
to how we actually appear, but how we perceive ourselves. To know that a guy
who is universally regarded as something of a sex symbol can still feel “less
than”, uncomfortable in his body, is both humbling and illuminating – as with
everything else, perfection is an impossible task and whatever we strive for
will never be achieved. Rather, we should focus on using exercise to protect
our mental health and our “health” in general, not just our weight or size. I
also love how he says that when he finds himself judging or hating his body, he
focuses on thanking it for what it does for him every day (ie I love my arms
for allowing me to lift my children). He also says that instead of immediately
looking for flaws in the mirror, the first thing you should do is look for something
you love about yourself. Just pay yourself one compliment before you leave the
house. I think these are really helpful tips as we approach the new year when “diet
culture” and the “January detox” marketing reaches its peak as we are told that
we must “undo” the treats we’ve “allowed” ourselves in December. I know they
are tricks that I will be trying to counteract the self-hatred that I often
feel in relation to my body, and I think they are great ideas for everyone to
try and be a little bit nicer to themselves.
Everything else
There’s so
much else in the book that I could talk about: religion, love, sex, parenthood,
but I want you to read the book and experience all that for yourself! I hope
this fangirling session has given you the inspiration to either read the book
or listen to the show, or at the very least given you a pause for thought about
how the world is shaped by masculinity and how everyone would benefit from
redefining masculinity (and all gender norms) and allow everyone the freedom to
be whoever and feel whatever they want. While male privilege is real, at the
end of the day no one benefits from the patriarchy – even those who perpetuate
it.
Justin
opens by saying “I’m not sure if there is anything really revolutionary in this
book.” Let me tell you, there is (although none of it should be news…) in the preface,
Justin quotes Buddha and says he hopes this book can be a candle that lights
another candle. That is my sincerest hope too, but whether anyone learns from
him or not, Justin is truly a beacon of hope and wisdom, and I am so thankful
for him, and for this book, and for this conversation that he is opening to the
world. And I hope that everyone reading this knows that they are man enough.
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